How to effectively apologize when you have wronged someone.

I know you’ve experienced it because we all have… an apology that leaves the situation unresolved and feelings still hurt.   We have likely been on both the giving and receiving sides of an inadequate apology.  The giver could have been very sincere but the sentiment wasn’t communicated appropriately so hard feelings are left festering and an issue is never truly resolved.

A good apology builds bridges in a relationship that can have a legacy impact.  Not only do they promote healing and growth for both parties but they show self-awareness, humility and bravery.  It takes courage to effectively apologize.

The truth is that many of us have never been taught the correct way to apologize.  I remember being a child and being forced to say “I’m sorry” and then hug it out with a sibling.  I don’t believe I was sincere in a single one of those apologies.  My siblings knew I wasn’t sincere.  It was forced.  It was a short phrase just said to get out of an uncomfortable situation.  How much of that “lesson in apologizing” has carried on into adulthood?

Apologizing is an uncomfortable thing to do in general.  When we apologize, we automatically admit fault and no one really enjoys admitting they were wrong.  We want this situation to be over quickly and go back to the way things were, as if we never wronged someone to begin with.  Apologize quickly.  Pretend like it never happened.  Smile and move on because the “Sorry” made it all better.  However, we all know it doesn’t really work like that.

So, for all of the people who have never been taught the right way to apologize, we have some pointers for you.  It may be scary to do at first but it will get better the more you do it.  And let’s face it, we’re all human so we’ll have plenty of chances to practice apologizing appropriately and effectively.

1)      Acknowledgement

you are sorry for, and name, the offense that occurred.  There is no true apology unless you specifically acknowledge the wrong doing and how it has affected the other party.

2)      Acceptance

Take responsibility.  You are the one apologizing, own up to your actions.  No effective apology should include the word “but.”  The word “but” negates everything said before it, therefore removing yourself from the responsibility of your actions.

3)      Amends

At the end of an apology, you must be able to offer a clear plan to rectify the situation and be able to list ways to ensure that it will never happen again.

Going into an apology, remember that people have different points of view and see things differently.  What may not bother or upset you, could be a large issue to others.  It’s important to approach an apology being mindful of other’s feelings about the situation, focused on the conversation and situation at hand, sincere in your apology and intentional to create a bridge in the conflict.

Examples

General Example:  I’m sorry for____.  I should not have _____.  I will_____ to make sure this doesn’t happen in the future.  Please accept my apology.

Real-life Example:  I’m sorry I let the boss think I did the work on this project.  It was wrong of me to not correct him and take all of the credit.  I know I hurt you and that it may be hard for you trust me on a project again. You should have received the credit and I take full responsibility for not speaking up.  I will let the boss know that the majority of the project was all you and to make sure this doesn’t happen again I will give due credits at the beginning of the presentations.  Please accept my apology.